The hardest newsletter I've ever had to write

An update on where I've been

Sweet Gracie on the beach we walk everyday.

Hello, dear friend ~

I hope this update finds you safe and well. And perhaps enjoying some sunshine!

Contrary to the photo above, it is a wet, stormy day here on the west coast. As beautiful as my view is (this beach is right in front of my house), today—and many of the past days, weeks and months would best be described as grey. My journey since last April? A physical, mental and spiritual roller-coaster.

The last newsletter/post I wrote was How do you not lose yourself when you’re a caregiver? I felt blessed that that post touched so many people, many of whom reached out to me privately. Not just to comfort me, which was so kind and lovely of them, but to say that they resonated deeply with what I’d written. That warmed my heart because it was those individuals that I’d hoped to touch. To assure them that as caregivers, they weren’t alone.

At that time, almost eleven months ago, I was a caregiver. Caring for my husband, Glen, who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Today, I’m his widow.

Like so many who battle this horrible disease, things seemed to have turned around and we thought he was winning. Then, one of the chemicals in the immunotherapy that he received along with chemo, attacked his heart and lungs and he ended up in hospital for forty-five days, including two stints in the ICU, latterly in a medically-induced coma and on a ventilator.

By some miracle, he was released from the hospital, tethered to oxygen 24/7. Sadly, he died peacefully in bed almost a week to the hour that he’d come home. In his heart, he believed that he would somehow improve enough to have surgery for his rare type of cancer. That was not to be.

Within days of his passing, a series of beyond-awful events followed, none of which I am able to share with you. I’ve changed my surname. I’ve had to leave my home and support network of 29 years and move away. Close friends and family tell me repeatedly how courageous and resilient I am. But just as when you suddenly become a caregiver, what choice does one have? The alternative is too painful to think about.

Two questions that friends ask almost on a weekly basis are:

“Have I been able to grieve? Am I writing?”

The answer to both is a resounding no. The horrible events that have taken place since my husband’s death, and a physically and mentally brutal move, meant I was barely holding on, never mind taking the time to grieve. Except for journaling, this newsletter is the only thing I have written in nearly eleven months. Only recently have I been able to focus long enough to indulge in my life-long passion of reading. Without writing or reading, I had completely lost any sense of who I was.

But, as a butterfly eventually breaks out of its cocoon, I seem to have re-emerged. While leaving behind a few ragged bits and pieces, I’m sure. But I’m here. I try to focus on this mantra every day:

Will I write another book? One hundred percent yes. Will it be another thriller, or even fiction? Possibly not. I think I have more to contribute in the future by writing my story in order to help others.

“I will never abandon my love of fiction. I’ll just be doing it in a different way: by mentoring new writers to write and publish their own novels is where I can make the greatest contribution.”

I’m studying to be a certified editor and book coach!

I’m so happy to share with you that since last September, I’ve been enrolled in Jennie Nash’s Author Accelerator book coaching program. As a writer, I have followed Jennie for years, and never had any doubt that if I was going to do this, I wanted to learn from the best. The 9-month certification is a lot of work. At times, it has been a welcome distraction from what I’ve been going through. At other times, it’s been an added pressure on top of everything else.

But, deep in my heart—the part I could still access—I knew that this was what this chapter of my life was meant to be. Coaching other writers, both one-on-one and in small (intimate cocoon-like) groups. My new coaching website (which still needs a lot of work, so please be patient) is Sommervillebookcoach.com . My thrillers, written under Karen Dodd will also live there soon.

As I watch a hummingbird drink the sweet nectar from the feeder outside my window, I remind myself that life, though different, is still sweet. I am still me. And I still have much to contribute.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. 🩶

With love and gratitude,

Karen